Bella of a Thousand Sporks
by tjbaby
Summary: A one shot fic full of cliches. Does Bella dressed in blue for Edward irk you? Is pixie clothes Alice your pet peeve? What about strawberry shampoo or the smell of freesias? It's all here! Laugh or cry along.


Disclaimer: Twilight not mine. Edward Cullen not mine. Jasper Whitlock on the other hand can be mine whenever he wants.

AN: This was the beginning of a very, very, very painful writing episode. It was for the "Show Us Your Cliche" contest, but I could not bear to finish it at the time. It's now done. Complete. End. I'm posting it for all the cringe-worthy moments... hopefully to remind myself of what not to write. It has many of what I consider cliches in fanfic. Please bear with me, should you decide to read it. Laugh or cry along!

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**Bella of a thousand Sporks**

Bella's POV

I couldn't get over the fact that Edward Cullen was on my every waking thought.

It seemed that I couldn't stop thinking about him. Even when I sleep, I dream about him. Like the other night, when I lay down in my bed, with its purple comforter that my father, Charlie, the Chief of Police in the town Forks where we live, he bought it. And I lay in bed thinking of Edward.

His eyes I swear are like molten gold, smooth molten caramel toffee, glistening in the sunlight, and I hear the rush of my heart, swishing in my chest, like the tiny hummingbird with wings that beats a hundred times a second and I feel the love we share, like cascading waves that sweep gently onto the golden sands of a beach somewhere.

Except when they are black, like onyx, the black semi-precious gem that looks black in the glow of the sunlight. His eyes are just like them. But that's when he's hungry.

And when we lie in our meadow, just the two of us, and no-one else is there, we just look into each other's eyes, mezmerized beyond belief, him gazing searchingly into mine, and me into his. It's like magic.

"Bellllllaa!" Alice's pixie voice broke through my thoughts, her high pitched bell-like voice chiming through the house. All of a sudden she was there. In my room.

"I saw what you were planning." She always does. "I always do. Now, we need to dress you up. Luckily I went shopping last week and bought you some new clothes." She pulled out a bag from Neiman-Marcus. "Look isn't this darling? Edward will love you in it. It's blue."

Resignedly I got out of my bed. Just a few minutes more into my dream and we would have touched like we always do.

"I need a human moment."

"Sure Bella!" Alice bounced around gathering my things. "But don't be too long! I need all the time to get you ready!" I swear she was like the demon army general. Jasper obviously rubbed off on her too much.

I went into the bathroom, and ran the tap. I know she could hear me anyway but I need to feel like maybe she couldn't. I used the toilet then I ran the shower. I took off my pyjama pants, then my singlet pyjama top, then underwear then I stepped into the shower. Bliss. I like hot showers. I let the water run through my long, brown hair and making sure it was all wet, I grabbed the bottle of my favourite strawberry scented shampoo. I put a large amount in my hand then I put it in my hair and lathered it up, making sure to put the top back on the bottle. Slowly washing my hair, I let my hair soak it all up before I rinsed it out, making sure all the shampoo was washed out. Then I grabbed my favourite body wash and putting some of my loofah, I breathed it in as I lathered. Mmmm... freesia scented. I love the smell of freesias in the morning.

"Bella! You're taking too long! Come on! Edward is waiting!" Edward! I quickly rinsed off and grabbed my towel, swathing myself in its luscious folds. I stepped out of the shower, taking care not to slip because that's what I do, slip that is, and dried myself off.

Carefully wrapping the towel around me I walked into my room. "Alice, I swear, one of these days.." and then I tripped and I screamed. And the towel dropped. In front of Edward.

"Oh my God!" I quickly picked up the towel that had dropped to the floor and dangling it in front of me, I screamed at him. "Turn around Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" Luckily he already had. He was always such a gentleman. Thank you God.

Wrapping the towel around me, I managed to cover myself and then told him, "You can look now." Edward's topaz eyes gleamed at me, but I could tell he still had the image of my naked body burned in his infinite mind. Much to my chagrin, I know he will never forget. Even when I become a vampire, he will always have that image of me, wet, glistening with dew-like-droplets of water that cascaded petulantly down my damp, aqueous body.

"Shoo Edward. You shouldn't be here." Alice piped up, her little spiky-haired figure looking up at him. Her pixie-like stature was dwarfed by his tall height. She stamped her little foot like a petulant child as she said "I told you. Scat. Go. I need to dress Bella."

As he walked out the door he chuckled, "Bella Barbie again?"

"You like it. Now go."

"How can something so tiny be so irritating?" Edward chuckled as the pixie tried to push her out the door.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, you know love it." She laughed and shoved him out the door. And the pixie wins again.

Resignedly I looked at her and she looked at me. Alice moved using vampire speed to the clothes laid out on the bed. "I took the liberty of buying you new underwear too Bella. Edward will love these!"

My face felt like it was on fire. I knew I was blushing so much. I started to dress. We're all girls right? To my immense mortification, Alice was holding out a lacy pair of undergarments in the shade of midnight blue like the night sky. She was right. It would look stunning against my pale complexion. I put the bra on, then the underwear. Next the navy blue singlet, then the navy-blue button up blouse with capped sleeves and finally my indigo slimfit jeans. I went to put on my shoes, but she held out another pair for me.

"Try these," she said. "They are the new converse and they match your outfit. More comfortable than your other ones plus I got them in all the range of colors."

"Oh Alice you know I don't like surprises or presents."

"I know. But I know you'll accept them because I've already seen it." We hugged because that is what BFFs do.

"Bells." Charlie stood at my door.

"Hey Dad."

"Alice." He nods at my spiky haired pixie friend. "Uh, I'm going fishing. Behave. I'll be back later. You good?

"Daaaad."

"'kay, see you later." Charlie's good like that. He doesn't hover.

Alice finished getting me ready, put on a little makeup, some shimmery powder foundation that makes it look like I'm not really wearing makeup because I'm so uncomfortable wearing makeup, then she put the eye shadow across my eyelids then said I could look and there was my reflection looking back at me and I was pretty. Wow. She had made up my eyes to be smoky and looked really good!

Then we went downstairs and Jasper was standing there waiting.

"Hey no fair with the feeling thing!"

"You look ... never mind. Edward will like it I'm sure."

We went outside and got into his car. I put on my seat belt because Edward would not drive without me wearing my seatbelt. We drove to school. As we pulled into the carpark I saw Lauren and Jessica, standing with Edward, who looked awkward. I sighed resignedly. Alice smiled in sympathy and we all got out of the car and walked over the Edward. I bit my lip as he gave me that smile. It made my knees weak and watery. His beautiful golden eyes, like sun-dappled pools, shone with a brillance in the weak Forks sunshine, gleaming and glistening as they looked into my wide chocolate orbs and my heart raced madly, theblood rushing through my system and I knew that he heard it as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. "Bella," he breathed as I came up to him.

I bit my lip. "Hey Edward. Um, sorry about before. You know."

"Hold still. Don't move." And I froze as his nose nuzzled into my hair and I knew he was breathing in the scent of my strawberry scented hair. "Let's go to class."

"But Edwaaaard..." whined Lauren. "You promised you'd go over my notes with me."

"Rain check Mallory, "quipped Alice and I noticed that Lauren backed off.

"Thanks," I murmured to Alice.

"Alice?"

"Edward?"

"Head on in. Bella and I have to go do something."

Alice smiled as she chuckled. "Have fun!" and I felt an explosion in my core as an overwhelming feeling overcame me.

I glared at Jasper. "Oi! Stop that, Jasper!

"Bloody bastard," chuckled Edward and it was with a touch of chagrin that I noticed his wink at his brother as he steered us to his shiny, silver Volvo.

"Yup!" said Jasper, popping the 'P'.

"Come on Bella. Let's go to our meadow." And we went.

~*~

Edward's POV

Erroneously, I knew as soon as I smelled her heavenly scent that coming here was a mistake first thing this morning. I had left her side only an hour before and here I was, enticingly captivated by her strawberry shampoo and the mix of the freesia body wash and the scent of her overwhelming arousal that pleaded for me to come taste her. But I couldn't. I had to be strong. I had to, for both of our sakes. Bella did not deserve that. I won't condemn her to this life of morbidity, endless shopping sprees with Alice, redecorating with Esme and although I'm sure she'd be hawt when turned vampire, she would not be happy and I would have damned her forever.

"Edward?"

"Yes Bella?"

"Are you going to move or what?"

Abruptly I returned to myself and realise that while I had been lost to my thoughts, Bella was on my back and expectantly waiting for me to run to our meadow. I turned my head.

"You better on tight spider-monkey," I said and with that I ran off, my Chuck Taylors making brief work of the loam that littered the forest floor.

We ran, or rather I ran, through the forest, over the debris-like leaves and stuff on the dead leaves and stuff, then I jumped with Bella on my back and she squealed then I ran faster, the wind whipping through our hair (Oh crap, my hair!), and I could smell her as we ran, then I ran and got to our meadow. I put her down then I turned then I smiled then I grabbed her hand and then we moved to the center of the clearing and then we lay down.

The overly effusive warmth of the glowing ball of fire that hung in the azure haze of the sky streamed over us, and we basked in the glow, letting the light hit my skin, dazzling us both with the immeasurable rainbows and fractures of light that refracted and bound all around us from my sparkly skin. The skin of a killer.

"Edward...." Bella sighed as we lay staring into one another's eyes. I looked into her bottomless, muddy pools of chocolate orbs and knew that she was destined to be The One Always. Like, for sure.

~*~

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Sigh, so many cliches.... So little time! Thanks for making it this far if you are still with me here. Please share your laughter or pain with me in a little review...


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